In the beginning of December I visited Indore, with the 1st of December being my birthday. I was contemplating not even mentioning anything about it, but then I thought it would rather be a sad day then. I usually like to use this occasion to feed the devotees and engage in loving exchanges, which always creates a very joyful atmosphere. So I told my hosts that I would like to sponsor a more fancy dinner prasadam after the evening program on that day. And of course, they immediately understood the reason behind it. So the word got out, and the devotees made several carob cakes and joyfully expressed their good wishes, with the mood being joyful and filled with loving exchanges.
Every evening, we met in some devotee's home churning a chosen topic in connection with our practice of devotional life. Once again, the topic of the husband-wife relationship was of great interest.
If we women want to learn how to support and inspire a man to rise to his very best performance, if we want to empower him and bring the very best out of him, we have to first of all understand a man’s heart and nature - how he ticks. Only then we can know how to act for his inspiration. A man wants to be the glorious hero for a woman, especially for his wife, but ultimately for any woman. Srila Prabhupada explains this in the purport to SB 4.25.41:
“Every husband is certainly a great hero to his wife. In other words, if a woman loves a man, that man appears very beautiful and magnanimous. Unless one becomes beautiful in the eyes of another, one cannot dedicate his whole life to another.”
Once we understand how important it is for him to be the hero for his wife, we may realize just how painful it is for a man when he appears as a fool and loser in the eyes of a woman. Such an experience compares to 1,000 knives piercing his heart.
When she even thinks or says, “Just see, I told you so! Why didn’t you do it like I told you?! Just see, I knew you wouldn’t be able to do it… I could have told you this right in the beginning!” - such thoughts or words are like so many razor blades cutting his male heart into pieces. It entirely disempowers him. It takes away all his inspiration and motivation to be responsible and active. It can even completely block and almost paralyze him. In fact, it can ruin his very life. A husband cannot follow in the footsteps of his wife - it is the wrong rasa.
I remember from my own married life, every time I was trying to give my husband some good advice in all friendship, saying, “Why don’t you do it like this and this and this?” He answered jokingly: “You know what, I exactly wanted to do this. But now that you told me, I cannot do it anymore.”
This is how the male ego works. If we women want to have nice, harmonious relationships with men, we have to be very careful. Better not to instruct men what to do and what not to do, especially as a wife. If we are thirty years older and we act like a well-wishing, wise and affectionate mother we can perhaps say something. But for a wife, she had better learn the art of making her husband believe that her idea is his idea.
All that is required in order to learn this art is our willingness to give up the credit for the idea—that we renounce the ego satisfaction of being the one who knew better. As soon as we try to get this satisfaction of being superior, the male ego will not like it and will react accordingly. Often out of spite he will do the opposite, even though he might understand that it would be the right thing to do.
Often devotees ask me for advice about their family problems. I have met couples where the wife is always trying to be number one - she is “Mrs. Pure Devotee”, getting up at 2 a.m., and chanting all of her rounds, etc. If this is done with a certain egotistical motivation, trying to show off how Krishna conscious she is, and indirectly telling her husband that he is in complete maya, it will entirely block and discourage him.
As we mentioned earlier, the husband wants to be in the front, in a superior position. If his wife takes the superior position, then she will not agree to be the auspicious source of energy and inspiration to him any longer. However, as we may know, most men need this feminine energy in order to be inspired and motivated. And since he can’t receive this energy, he becomes almost as if he were paralyzed.
I have seen examples where a husband becomes so frustrated that he turns into an alcoholic, even though second initiated. It is a very serious matter.
If women do not have this knowledge, they will definitely do and say the wrong thing, and will be surprised why their husband is becoming uninspired, lethargic, irresponsible, and even turns away from Krishna consciousness.
A mentor may definitely take the side of the wife, saying, “Your husband is drinking; he is not a devotee. He is useless - you better leave him and get divorced.”
We might not even realize to what extent she is contributing to the whole situation. Unless we have this knowledge we will surely give the wrong advice in all marriage problems. I have come across other examples where she is also trying to be number one as a big preacher, always ten steps ahead of her husband. As a result he loses all interest in spiritual practices, and even stops chanting. He then puts all his time and energy into his professional career, because there he can be number one and be the hero, as his wife doesn’t know anything about his field of expertise.
Again, if devotees don’t have this deeper understanding, they may say, “Your husband is in maya. He is not a devotee. Maybe you should get divorced.”
We have the example of Gandhari blindfolding herself, because
she does not want to be in a superior position to her husband. So women have to take the same stance if they want to be the power of inspiration to a man. Whenever a husband becomes lazy, lethargic, uninspired, and irresponsible, it often means that his wife does not know the art of being the inspiration to him. Saying this does not mean that we are blaming the women. No, it simply means that we women have such powerful energy! It is in our hands to inspire a man and bring him to his very best capacity, or to block him and almost ruin his life. Such is the power of feminine energy.
On the 11th of December I moved on to Mayapur.....
Your servant, Devaki dd
Please visit www.theholynameretreat.net
www.therootsofspiritualculture.net
https://www.facebook.com/instituteforspiritualculture/
“Every husband is certainly a great hero to his wife. In other words, if a woman loves a man, that man appears very beautiful and magnanimous. Unless one becomes beautiful in the eyes of another, one cannot dedicate his whole life to another.”
Once we understand how important it is for him to be the hero for his wife, we may realize just how painful it is for a man when he appears as a fool and loser in the eyes of a woman. Such an experience compares to 1,000 knives piercing his heart.
When she even thinks or says, “Just see, I told you so! Why didn’t you do it like I told you?! Just see, I knew you wouldn’t be able to do it… I could have told you this right in the beginning!” - such thoughts or words are like so many razor blades cutting his male heart into pieces. It entirely disempowers him. It takes away all his inspiration and motivation to be responsible and active. It can even completely block and almost paralyze him. In fact, it can ruin his very life. A husband cannot follow in the footsteps of his wife - it is the wrong rasa.
I remember from my own married life, every time I was trying to give my husband some good advice in all friendship, saying, “Why don’t you do it like this and this and this?” He answered jokingly: “You know what, I exactly wanted to do this. But now that you told me, I cannot do it anymore.”
This is how the male ego works. If we women want to have nice, harmonious relationships with men, we have to be very careful. Better not to instruct men what to do and what not to do, especially as a wife. If we are thirty years older and we act like a well-wishing, wise and affectionate mother we can perhaps say something. But for a wife, she had better learn the art of making her husband believe that her idea is his idea.
All that is required in order to learn this art is our willingness to give up the credit for the idea—that we renounce the ego satisfaction of being the one who knew better. As soon as we try to get this satisfaction of being superior, the male ego will not like it and will react accordingly. Often out of spite he will do the opposite, even though he might understand that it would be the right thing to do.
Often devotees ask me for advice about their family problems. I have met couples where the wife is always trying to be number one - she is “Mrs. Pure Devotee”, getting up at 2 a.m., and chanting all of her rounds, etc. If this is done with a certain egotistical motivation, trying to show off how Krishna conscious she is, and indirectly telling her husband that he is in complete maya, it will entirely block and discourage him.
As we mentioned earlier, the husband wants to be in the front, in a superior position. If his wife takes the superior position, then she will not agree to be the auspicious source of energy and inspiration to him any longer. However, as we may know, most men need this feminine energy in order to be inspired and motivated. And since he can’t receive this energy, he becomes almost as if he were paralyzed.
I have seen examples where a husband becomes so frustrated that he turns into an alcoholic, even though second initiated. It is a very serious matter.
If women do not have this knowledge, they will definitely do and say the wrong thing, and will be surprised why their husband is becoming uninspired, lethargic, irresponsible, and even turns away from Krishna consciousness.
A mentor may definitely take the side of the wife, saying, “Your husband is drinking; he is not a devotee. He is useless - you better leave him and get divorced.”
We might not even realize to what extent she is contributing to the whole situation. Unless we have this knowledge we will surely give the wrong advice in all marriage problems. I have come across other examples where she is also trying to be number one as a big preacher, always ten steps ahead of her husband. As a result he loses all interest in spiritual practices, and even stops chanting. He then puts all his time and energy into his professional career, because there he can be number one and be the hero, as his wife doesn’t know anything about his field of expertise.
Again, if devotees don’t have this deeper understanding, they may say, “Your husband is in maya. He is not a devotee. Maybe you should get divorced.”
We have the example of Gandhari blindfolding herself, because
she does not want to be in a superior position to her husband. So women have to take the same stance if they want to be the power of inspiration to a man. Whenever a husband becomes lazy, lethargic, uninspired, and irresponsible, it often means that his wife does not know the art of being the inspiration to him. Saying this does not mean that we are blaming the women. No, it simply means that we women have such powerful energy! It is in our hands to inspire a man and bring him to his very best capacity, or to block him and almost ruin his life. Such is the power of feminine energy.
On the 11th of December I moved on to Mayapur.....
Your servant, Devaki dd
Please visit www.theholynameretreat.net
www.therootsofspiritualculture.net
https://www.facebook.com/instituteforspiritualculture/
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