Shortly after returning to Europe from the US, I flew to Vilnius in Lithuania to attend the Baltic Summer Festival which is always a nectarean event. This year it was graced by the presence of HH Bhakti Caitanya Swami, HH Dhira Shanta Gosvami, HH Ananda Vardhana Swami, Madhavananda and his wife and Narayani Mataji as main guest speakers, and Agnidev, Sistakrit and Ojasvi Prabhus as main kirtaneers. Over 6 days more than 700 devotees attended, swimming in the nectarean ocean of bliss while absorbing themselves in various kathas during the day and diving into blissful kirtans in the evenings.
Besides giving three seminar sessions I spent every day all day at my book table reaching out and connecting with devotees - well known faces and new ones alike - giving personal guidance and distributing lots of copies of my books. My source of bliss and deep satisfaction....!
A common misconception in a marital relationship is that the couple’s joy increases when they do everything together. Especially in a culture where sense gratification is the highest goal of life, we take the romance and lustful attraction in a man-woman relationship to be the overall source of joy and satisfaction. The foundation of mundane conjugal relationships is physical attraction and infatuation, and we desire to enjoy these rather lustful exchanges perpetually. We want to do everything together, mistakenly thinking that this will increase our pleasure in life; functioning in this artificial mode, we reach a point where we cannot imagine doing anything without our beloved, mistaking such attachment and dependency on each other to be a sign of true love.
In this way, our expectations and demands on each other increase, as if the sole source of happiness in our life were our spouse. From such life dynamics, we expect to extract satisfaction, instead of offering service and joy to our partner. We become needy and take from the relationship, instead of contributing to it. This may sooner or later lead to frustrations, quarrels and disappointments, with the strain on the relationship increasing.
A relationship will be under less strain if both partners have other sources of satisfaction outside of their marital relationship – friends, hobbies, sports and artistic activities or services in Krishna consciousness, etc. This will enable them to be satisfied in themselves, thereby becoming capable of giving something to their partner, instead of simply being the needy recipient. In other words, it is highly recommended that the couple give each other enough space for engaging in personal interests and activities – without losing track of each other and becoming emotionally disconnected. One has to endeavour to find the right balance.
An intimate relationship is governed by the dynamics of distance and closeness. We cannot always be close with someone. A phase of distance is required in order for both to come closer again. As the saying goes: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. This proverb conveys the notion that when we are separated from our beloved for some time – even if only for some hours – we can appreciate their association even more, and thus we deeply long for a reunion.
Separation intensifies and enhances our loving feelings. We have the same phenomenon in its perfect and absolute manifestation in the spiritual world in the context of the gopis’ intense love for Krishna in separation, called vipralambha. We can experience a similar occurrence as a perverted reflection between husband and wife in this material world.
Unless we understand these important aspects of a marital relationship, both husband and wife can easily strangle each other and get on each other’s nerves; as a result, they may hamper and hinder each other’s personal growth and development, and likewise their conjugal relationship. It may even lead to a point of too much pressure and strain that could bring about a divorce.
In this way, our expectations and demands on each other increase, as if the sole source of happiness in our life were our spouse. From such life dynamics, we expect to extract satisfaction, instead of offering service and joy to our partner. We become needy and take from the relationship, instead of contributing to it. This may sooner or later lead to frustrations, quarrels and disappointments, with the strain on the relationship increasing.
A relationship will be under less strain if both partners have other sources of satisfaction outside of their marital relationship – friends, hobbies, sports and artistic activities or services in Krishna consciousness, etc. This will enable them to be satisfied in themselves, thereby becoming capable of giving something to their partner, instead of simply being the needy recipient. In other words, it is highly recommended that the couple give each other enough space for engaging in personal interests and activities – without losing track of each other and becoming emotionally disconnected. One has to endeavour to find the right balance.
An intimate relationship is governed by the dynamics of distance and closeness. We cannot always be close with someone. A phase of distance is required in order for both to come closer again. As the saying goes: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. This proverb conveys the notion that when we are separated from our beloved for some time – even if only for some hours – we can appreciate their association even more, and thus we deeply long for a reunion.
Separation intensifies and enhances our loving feelings. We have the same phenomenon in its perfect and absolute manifestation in the spiritual world in the context of the gopis’ intense love for Krishna in separation, called vipralambha. We can experience a similar occurrence as a perverted reflection between husband and wife in this material world.
Unless we understand these important aspects of a marital relationship, both husband and wife can easily strangle each other and get on each other’s nerves; as a result, they may hamper and hinder each other’s personal growth and development, and likewise their conjugal relationship. It may even lead to a point of too much pressure and strain that could bring about a divorce.
My own parents had to experience such a situation in their life. According to their character, tastes, interests and personalities, they were a great match and spent 25 years in a harmonious marriage. They shared amazing adventures and led our family life in a most thoughtful way, creating a nice atmosphere in our home, based on strong spiritual principles. Yet, they made this very mistake of being too focused on each other, not building deep friendships with other people around them; they did not understand the importance of giving each other space to engage in activities apart from each other. As a result, over the years, the strain built up and turned into a pressure-cooker situation, leading to misunderstandings and hurt feelings, which eventually ended in divorce.
Both of my parents married again, and it was interesting for me to observe that they managed their second marriage very differently from how they handled the first one, giving each other plenty of space – not only externally, but also internally, by not overloading each other with expectations and demands. Even though their second partner did not match their tastes, interests and personalities as well, they nevertheless understood the important dynamics of distance and closeness within a marital bond which keeps a relationship dynamic and lively.
My father maintained his house in the village, and his second wife stayed in her spacious apartment in a city 35 kms away. They did not move into one of these residences together, but spent four days per week with each other, either in his house in the village or her apartment in the city. And the other three days they spent apart from one another, in their own homes – ringing each other twice a day. For the last twenty years of his life, my father travelled every year around India for six weeks, visiting different holy places alone, while his wife preferred to visit her lady friends in Berlin; giving each other space – India was not her thing! Six months before he left his body, he persuaded her to come along with him to India, and we met in Vrindavan and spent a wonderful time together, visiting different temples.
My mother and her second husband lived in a big two-family house in the village – he lived upstairs and she downstairs. He was a musician who played the violin, and he regularly met with his friends to practise classical music in a string quartet. She was an artist and spent her time in her atelier, absorbed in creating fine artwork to be displayed in exhibitions. At the same time, she did the house work and cooked the meals which they would take together. They knew the art of giving each other space and at the same time engaging in common activities while performing their duties towards each other.
Sharing with our readers the information about the above lifestyles does not mean that we recommend that husband and wife live separately. It rather serves as an example to illustrate the importance of giving each other some freedom to develop in a way that suits our needs and interests, instead of sending us down the dark path of mutual strangulation on which we remain focused solely on each other by desiring to do everything together.
On the 1st of August I flew to Warsaw/Poland.....
Your servant, Devaki dd
Both of my parents married again, and it was interesting for me to observe that they managed their second marriage very differently from how they handled the first one, giving each other plenty of space – not only externally, but also internally, by not overloading each other with expectations and demands. Even though their second partner did not match their tastes, interests and personalities as well, they nevertheless understood the important dynamics of distance and closeness within a marital bond which keeps a relationship dynamic and lively.
My father maintained his house in the village, and his second wife stayed in her spacious apartment in a city 35 kms away. They did not move into one of these residences together, but spent four days per week with each other, either in his house in the village or her apartment in the city. And the other three days they spent apart from one another, in their own homes – ringing each other twice a day. For the last twenty years of his life, my father travelled every year around India for six weeks, visiting different holy places alone, while his wife preferred to visit her lady friends in Berlin; giving each other space – India was not her thing! Six months before he left his body, he persuaded her to come along with him to India, and we met in Vrindavan and spent a wonderful time together, visiting different temples.
My mother and her second husband lived in a big two-family house in the village – he lived upstairs and she downstairs. He was a musician who played the violin, and he regularly met with his friends to practise classical music in a string quartet. She was an artist and spent her time in her atelier, absorbed in creating fine artwork to be displayed in exhibitions. At the same time, she did the house work and cooked the meals which they would take together. They knew the art of giving each other space and at the same time engaging in common activities while performing their duties towards each other.
Sharing with our readers the information about the above lifestyles does not mean that we recommend that husband and wife live separately. It rather serves as an example to illustrate the importance of giving each other some freedom to develop in a way that suits our needs and interests, instead of sending us down the dark path of mutual strangulation on which we remain focused solely on each other by desiring to do everything together.
On the 1st of August I flew to Warsaw/Poland.....
Your servant, Devaki dd
RSS Feed
