Being present in separation

When I was going to the hospital on the 23rd of June to take my third Chemo I once again had a big bag of prasadam with me - this time carob cookies, packaged in smaller and bigger boxes. Everybody was delighted to receive the tasty surprise - the nurses on the Day Care Ward, Kavita Mataji at the reception, and the doctors. I also gave Dr Vishwanath a Deluxe edition of the Bhagavad Gita, and a Science of Self-Realization. He had asked me several times for it, and my answer had been with a smile: "First deserve, then desire." But now I felt he had deserved it. I showed him several verses: 2.13: "Dehino 'smin yatha dehe kaumaram yauvanam jara.....". Showing him the picture of changing bodies, I pointed to the old fellow by saying: "I am here now....", and pointing at the middle aged one: "and you are here.....", which made him chuckle. And verse 2.22: "As a person puts on new garments, giving up old ones, the soul similarly accepts new material bodies, giving up the old and useless ones", and finally verse 8.5.: "And whoever, at the end of his life, quits his body remembering Me alone at once attains My nature. Of this there is no doubt." He respectfully accepted the gift - whether he will find the time to read it is another question. But having one of Prabhupada's books in his house will be already of great spiritual benefit.

Looking at my head I could detect that I had lost quite a bit of hair - a common thing during Chemo. Since I am shaving up regularly anyway, I was not in the slightest worried about it. I was amused to be reminded of the hair style the elephants in Mayapur have: one hair here, one hair there.
When I laughingly shared this with some devotees, one Prabhu said: "Yes, Mataji, after all you are one of Prabhupada's dancing white elephants....!"
Now Krsna had arranged the matching hair style - hopefully He would spare me from adjusting any other parts of my body.....

On the following weekend of the 24th and 25th the devotees in Kharkov/Ukraine celebrated the grandiose event of installing our beautiful marble Gaur Nitai Deities. For many years these Deities had been the object of my meditation: I had personally designed Them, with a beautiful and unusual arm position of one arm being stretched out high, and the other one more lower and pointing to the side. It had taken several years to inspire the devotees of our community to come up to a higher standard of having only brahmanas engaging in the puja and cooking for Their Lordships. And it had taken time for them to have the courage to make the commitment of serve one more set of Deities every morning on the altar. Around one year ago we had set the date for the festival: Gundica Marjanam for the adhivasa, and the installation on the date of Ratha Yatra. We all had agreed that this was an appropriate occasion. I had also begged HH Niranjana Maharaja to kindly bless the event with his presence, and several times during the year I was humbly reminding him - just to make sure he would not change his plans.
Already several years ago the idea had come to my mind to invite two of Bhakti Vidya Purna Maharaja's brahmacaris from Mayapur to conduct the installation. I had seen them in action several years ago in Nepal installing Radha Krsna Deities in Dharan, and I had really liked their mood. Over the years I had met with Krsna Caitanaya Prabhu several times, hoping the date for the festival would come closer, but it had taken more time than I had anticipated.
Now finally everything was set, and early this year in Mayapur we had discussed so many details of the installation ceremony with Krsna Caitanya Prabhu in Mayapur and Sahasrajit Prabhu who had come from Kharkov. We wanted to make it a grandiose event - an unforgettable and memorable festival, once in a lifetime of a yatra! We wanted to invite and welcome as many visiting devotees from other yatras as possible, in great Vaisnava hospitality.

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Then in early April I was diagnosed with cancer, which made it clear very soon that I would not be able to participate in the festival.
Nevertheless, I was very much there in spirit - joyful at the thought that we were celebrating this grand event of the installation of our beautiful big Gaur Nitai Deities. Krsna had given me special mercy by allowing me to be part of this event through seva - I had the good fortune to be connected through various services in order to help prepare for this moment of installation. The fact that Krsna didn't allow me to be with the devotees in Kharkov was His special arrangement - it was Krsna's ways of playing games and joking! He is helping me to become more selfless and detached in my service, by not giving me the enjoyment of taking part in the event itself. This only deepened my mood of separation - separation from the event, separation from all the wonderful Kharkov devotees and assembled Vaisnavas, and of course separation from the beautiful Deities. And separation deepens our relationship with each other, and our eagerness to once again meet and relish each other's association. It helps me to become more grateful for the association of devotees, and for every day in service to Srila Prabhupada's mission. So I was not lamenting about what Krsna was orchestrating here! It was all very special, sweet and beautiful - certainly not ordinary, but extra-ordinary!

I was watching the entire festival including all lectures by HH Niranjana Maharaja on both days over internet, being intensely glued to the screen, chanting along loudly in my room for many hours in the kirtan! It was a wonderful absorption, maybe even so much deeper than if I had been there! And the separation increased the intensity of my mood and feelings. I watched every single movement of everyone on the altar with great joy - it was a feast for my eyes and heart, seeing how these boys from Mayapur did everything so nicely, in the mood of humble servant, involving everyone and coordinating the whole thing, sometimes standing back and clapping along with the kirtan. A glimpse into the spiritual world.....! I was so happy, seeing all of our Kharkov devotees participating in various ways: "Oh, there is Caitanya Rupa Prabhu, and Mangala Vaisnava Prabhu, and Prayojana Prabhu bathing the Deities, and Sarvatma Prabhu arranging everything and making the announcements, and I can see Mataji Prema in the audience, and Bhakti Rasa Mataji, etc, etc". So I was deeply absorbed in the entire event, and it was a sweet and deep experience - my heart and mind were entirely there....!

There were some intimate and confidential parts which I could not watch, but knew from our discussions in Mayapur. On the evening of the adhivasa ceremony the Deities were placed in a specially arranged, big bed. Only the pujarias were present. Krsna Caitanya Prabhu was chanting mantras to invite Their Lordships to take rest, and candles were lit. Then all the pujaris were chanting softly in kirtan, lulling Their Lordhsips into slumber......

After the festival devotees shared their joy - it had been indeed a very extra-ordinary event for them all! A truly transcendental experience! And many devotees had come from other yatras within Ukraine, and also Russia.
Krsna fulfilled all my desires perfectly - beyond my expectations, in a sweet and extraordinary way. May we always preserve this wonderful and unique experience, and may it inspire us to deepen our mood of service to the Lord and His devotees....!

When Srila Prabhupada was performing the installation ceremony in Auckland/New Zealand, he had warned:  "Do not think that we have installed a marble statue. No, we are worshiping Krsna personally." Ultimately, he explained, the purpose of installing the Deity was a simple one: "To remain twenty-four hours a day engaged in Krsna's service." So here in Kharkov, let us not think that we are installing these Deities simply so our altar is not so empty, so we have some beautiful and big decorations now!" We are installing these Deities to increase our service to the Lord. In one morning walk in Melbourne Prabhupada is discussing the topic of being in anxiety for Krsna. He says: "If you become anxious how to worship the Deity, how to dress Krsna nicely - that will develop your anxiety for Krsna. THEREFORE DEITY WORSHIP IS ESSENTIAL! Exactly in time to get up, to offer mangal artik, to dress; this anxiety is the beginning of Krsna anxiety. Then, when you become perfect, you will always be in anxiety for Krsna. That is the prefectional stage. Therefore by the injunction of the sastra, regulative principles, it is a way of creating that anxiety. So we must follow. Then we will come to the real anxiety." And Prabhupada continues by giving the example of Mother Yasoda, who is always in anxiety for Krsna - whether He is safe. That is mother's anxiety. This is perfection - to always remain in anxiety for Krsna. So in this spirit we want to increase our anxiety for Krsna, by welcoming these beautiful Deities to increase our service. It is Krsna's special pastime, that there is always some anxiety in the puja department - who will dress, who will cook, etc. The more we can eagerly accept this anxiety in our life, the more we will experience Vaikuntha atmosphere.

Your servant, Devaki dd

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