On the 1st of August I arrived in Riga/Latvia - after 3 weeks of heat in Mayapur it felt good to be in a cooler climate again. I had not visited the Riga temple for many years - now I fondly remembered the early days, when my former husband and I came here in 1989 to establish a temple. It was perfect timing - just when the communist system collapsed. In those days the borders were open, and many devotees came from all around the former Soviet Union to join our temple. We had around 65 brahmacharis and 30 brahmacharini in the ashrams - they were exciting and adventurous times in pioneer work...!
Now, on my visit to Riga, I enjoyed going on the harinam around the city, remembering all the places where we used to have the Ratha Yatra festival and gigantic harinams with HH Indradyumna Swami. The good old days....!
Recently, there has been a change in management in the Riga temple, leading to many improvements on various levels. The devotees kept me busy with a variety of programs in the temple, at several preaching centres and in homes. The highlight was a weekend retreat on the topic of the man-woman relationship - a never-ending mystery.
Recently, there has been a change in management in the Riga temple, leading to many improvements on various levels. The devotees kept me busy with a variety of programs in the temple, at several preaching centres and in homes. The highlight was a weekend retreat on the topic of the man-woman relationship - a never-ending mystery.
Not only does a wife serve as the power of inspiration by dressing herself attractively and exhibiting her feminine features, but also serves through her fine speech and sweet words. This is expressed in the Srimad-Bhagavatam (6.18.28) in connection with Diti and Kasyapa Muni:
"O King, Diti always carried out Kasyapa’s orders very faithfully, as he desired. With service, love, humility and control, with words spoken very sweetly to satisfy her husband, and with smiles and glances at him, Diti attracted his mind and brought it under her control."
Srila Prabhupada oftentimes quotes Chanakya Pandita who says:
"A person who has no mother at home and whose wife does not speak sweetly should go to the forest. For such a person, living at home and living in the forest are equal."
This statement indicates that it is unacceptable for a wife to speak harsh and insulting words to her husband; or to correct, condemn, criticise or chastise him. It is a good reason for a husband to give up married life and go to the forest. Now, this does not mean that he gets divorced. No, he simply takes to renunciation.
Not only should a woman offer affectionate and pleasing words to her husband, but likewise to his friends and family members – brothers, sisters, and especially his parents. In the context of how a husband considers himself to be in a superior position because of his very constitution, when his wife criticises his parents, the wife offends not only the parents-in-law, but also him. Such misconduct will cause disharmony and tension within a family.
Nowadays, the culture and etiquette of a woman controlling her speech and not speaking insulting and harsh words is unheard of – it no longer exists. And if it is witnessed anywhere, it would be considered a weakness. In a culture where sense gratification is the topmost goal in life, the maxim for a woman is: ‘I will show off and attract attention. I will compete with men and women around me and fight my way through life, standing up for myself and defending my interests.’ There is not much room in a woman’s personality for qualities like femininity, gentleness and softness; these may not be the common virtues that women of today strive to develop.
Evaluating the material and spiritual lifestyles, we can once again see the day-and-night phenomenon: What is considered success in material life is regarded as low-class and uncultured in Vaishnava life. The quality of being mild-mannered and gentle is closely related to the virtue of shyness and tolerance – two highly important qualities for women to have. In essence, shyness and tolerance are the two tools with which a woman can cultivate chastity. Unless she possesses these two qualities, it will not be possible for her to be chaste.
Moreover, Vaishnava etiquette advises that a woman should not answer back and defend herself, especially when interacting with her husband and other superiors like her parents and parents-in-law, or with a senior devotee. Nor should one correct, chastise, instruct, or shout at a superior. In Vaishnava life, such actions are considered uncultured and downright offensive.
In this day and age, it is considered entirely normal for people to treat their parents in the above-mentioned way, or for a wife to engage in such verbal exchanges with her husband. In the name of equality, a woman considers her lowly response fully justified by thinking, ‘If my husband can chastise or correct me, then why shouldn’t I treat him the same way?’ The understanding of how a wife should treat and speak to her husband is almost lost and forgotten.
When counselling married couples, I am oftentimes entirely shocked by how a wife treats her husband, and I feel sorry for the man who becomes entirely frustrated and helpless in his attempts to improve the situation.
In his book Sri Chaitanya-shiksamrita, Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura gives us wonderful and very practical instructions on how to deal with a superior who may give wrong instructions:
"One cannot follow incorrect orders of a superior but one should not show hostility towards him, using disrespectful or harsh words. One should put a stop to their improper behavior or instructions by using sweet words, humility, and gentle reasoning at the proper time."
We tend to respond at an improper time and in the opposite mood, using harsh and disrespectful words and letting our arrogance and aggressive reasoning get the better of us…
If a wife follows the above-discussed etiquette while dealing with her husband, there will be much less possibility of an argument or a fight between them. After all, the husband cannot argue with himself.
A clever wife knows when to keep quiet and simply wait until her partner’s anger has died down – like the raging thunderstorm eventually blowing over. An able wife controls her speech and resists the temptation to answer back and have the last word to prove that she is right. She knows very well that this would only agitate him further, adding fuel to the fire. Unless a wife has cultivated tolerance and is thereby able to control the urges of her tongue, it will be difficult for her to manifest such restrained behaviour.
Your servant, Devaki dd
Please visit www.theholynameretreat.net
www.therootsofspiritualculture.net
https://www.facebook.com/instituteforspiritualculture/
"O King, Diti always carried out Kasyapa’s orders very faithfully, as he desired. With service, love, humility and control, with words spoken very sweetly to satisfy her husband, and with smiles and glances at him, Diti attracted his mind and brought it under her control."
Srila Prabhupada oftentimes quotes Chanakya Pandita who says:
"A person who has no mother at home and whose wife does not speak sweetly should go to the forest. For such a person, living at home and living in the forest are equal."
This statement indicates that it is unacceptable for a wife to speak harsh and insulting words to her husband; or to correct, condemn, criticise or chastise him. It is a good reason for a husband to give up married life and go to the forest. Now, this does not mean that he gets divorced. No, he simply takes to renunciation.
Not only should a woman offer affectionate and pleasing words to her husband, but likewise to his friends and family members – brothers, sisters, and especially his parents. In the context of how a husband considers himself to be in a superior position because of his very constitution, when his wife criticises his parents, the wife offends not only the parents-in-law, but also him. Such misconduct will cause disharmony and tension within a family.
Nowadays, the culture and etiquette of a woman controlling her speech and not speaking insulting and harsh words is unheard of – it no longer exists. And if it is witnessed anywhere, it would be considered a weakness. In a culture where sense gratification is the topmost goal in life, the maxim for a woman is: ‘I will show off and attract attention. I will compete with men and women around me and fight my way through life, standing up for myself and defending my interests.’ There is not much room in a woman’s personality for qualities like femininity, gentleness and softness; these may not be the common virtues that women of today strive to develop.
Evaluating the material and spiritual lifestyles, we can once again see the day-and-night phenomenon: What is considered success in material life is regarded as low-class and uncultured in Vaishnava life. The quality of being mild-mannered and gentle is closely related to the virtue of shyness and tolerance – two highly important qualities for women to have. In essence, shyness and tolerance are the two tools with which a woman can cultivate chastity. Unless she possesses these two qualities, it will not be possible for her to be chaste.
Moreover, Vaishnava etiquette advises that a woman should not answer back and defend herself, especially when interacting with her husband and other superiors like her parents and parents-in-law, or with a senior devotee. Nor should one correct, chastise, instruct, or shout at a superior. In Vaishnava life, such actions are considered uncultured and downright offensive.
In this day and age, it is considered entirely normal for people to treat their parents in the above-mentioned way, or for a wife to engage in such verbal exchanges with her husband. In the name of equality, a woman considers her lowly response fully justified by thinking, ‘If my husband can chastise or correct me, then why shouldn’t I treat him the same way?’ The understanding of how a wife should treat and speak to her husband is almost lost and forgotten.
When counselling married couples, I am oftentimes entirely shocked by how a wife treats her husband, and I feel sorry for the man who becomes entirely frustrated and helpless in his attempts to improve the situation.
In his book Sri Chaitanya-shiksamrita, Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura gives us wonderful and very practical instructions on how to deal with a superior who may give wrong instructions:
"One cannot follow incorrect orders of a superior but one should not show hostility towards him, using disrespectful or harsh words. One should put a stop to their improper behavior or instructions by using sweet words, humility, and gentle reasoning at the proper time."
We tend to respond at an improper time and in the opposite mood, using harsh and disrespectful words and letting our arrogance and aggressive reasoning get the better of us…
If a wife follows the above-discussed etiquette while dealing with her husband, there will be much less possibility of an argument or a fight between them. After all, the husband cannot argue with himself.
A clever wife knows when to keep quiet and simply wait until her partner’s anger has died down – like the raging thunderstorm eventually blowing over. An able wife controls her speech and resists the temptation to answer back and have the last word to prove that she is right. She knows very well that this would only agitate him further, adding fuel to the fire. Unless a wife has cultivated tolerance and is thereby able to control the urges of her tongue, it will be difficult for her to manifest such restrained behaviour.
Your servant, Devaki dd
Please visit www.theholynameretreat.net
www.therootsofspiritualculture.net
https://www.facebook.com/instituteforspiritualculture/
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